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Managing Expectations in Parenting

parenting pinpointe magazine Jun 20, 2019
Isn’t it funny how before we have kids we are complete parenting experts? 
Parenting is so wrapped up in expectations. We try to dream up and plan for everything from the number of children we will have, what we will name them, how they will dress and eat, the hobbies and interests they will have. We also place a great deal of expectations on habits and behaviors. How our children will be and act, what we will or won’t accept.
Then, before you know it, you find yourself having to give in certain ways. Adjusting your expectations and standards for a picky eater, a difficult sleeper, long summer days that require every ounce of your patience. You begin to realize that parenting expectations don’t always line up with reality. 
That is not to say that we are completely powerless over these little humans we are raising. As a parent I love sharing my passions with my boys. Family road trips to the mountains, listening to music together, teaching them to care about the environment and be kind to others. As parents, we are the most important model for our kids, and while sometimes it might not seem like it, they are always watching and learning from us. 
These little moments of connection become fundamental to our relationship with our children, and their relationship with the world around them. They develop a disposition that includes the priorities and values that are modeled in early childhood….usually. Mostly. Early on our little ones start challenging our expectations, and show us that they are actually complex individuals who have ideas and plans of their own. Either intentionally or unintentionally, they push against our attempts to mold them into our idea of the “perfect” child. Maybe they are born with complications, or developmental delays, maybe difficulties develop over time. Maybe they have a stubborn streak that they must have gotten from their father. Maybe they just don’t like what you want them to like. 
 
“Lord, teach me to parent the children I have. Not the child I was. Or the kids I thought I would have.” - Jen Hatmaker 
 
My encouragement for parents is this. It’s okay to change your mind, to adjust your expectations. Some adjustments can be heartbreaking, disappointing, or even painful. Adjusting doesn’t mean giving up, it simply means making room for new ideas. When you are able to spend less energy fighting against something and begin working with it, you grow. You and your children enjoy a happier relationship.
Our ability to accept and embrace differences and incorporate these into our expectations is where we find the balance. When we go from “my child will never…” to “I love you and I know what your potential is”, we are better able to extend that respect and appreciation for the various strengths that we all bring to the table. 
 
There is a growing emphasis in our culture on acceptance. Accepting differences, alternative lifestyles, new definitions of family. We are slowly loosening a collective set of restrictive expectations for what is considered “normal” and “acceptable”. Just like in parenting, we are in a position to reevaluate our previously held beliefs. Change can feel like failure, but I argue that change is inevitable. And necessary.  
Accepting differences means letting go of the need to control the other person, removes your own expectations of them, allows an openness, builds relationships, and extends grace. Experience teaches us that what we thought we wanted, isn’t always where we end up, and can surprise us in the most wonderful ways! Watching our children grow into the people they were born to be, discovering their strengths and hidden talents, learning from them and their friends, seeing bits and pieces of our influence, is a fascinating process. Enjoy the journey! 

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